Thespian THOUGHTS

by Ralph Oswick

Sweltering

Spare a thought for the Natural Theatre actors going to Shanghai for the World Expo. Temperatures there can reach ninety five degrees in summer. The dressing room, we are assured, will be air conditioned. But when they step out into the heat and humidity of the Astroturf piazza that surrounds the UK pavilion, these are going to be some very sweaty thespians.

We’ve survived these conditions before. In Tokyo one’s shirt became soaked and transparent between the hotel room and the lift. It rained a lot too. Hot rain. The Japanese theme park managers, in their cool grey suits and crisp white collars, had never heard the word ‘cancellation’ so even it the audience was just a couple of dripping school kids with bunny-eared umbrellas, the show had to go on.

Against hotel rules we took to leaving the air con on all day so that we could come home to icy bedrooms. The machines would over-work and leak onto the beds below. So for us it was warm and wet all day and cold and wet all night.

We were performing our Pink Suitcases routine most days and the old-fashioned dinner jackets wouldn’t dry out between appearances. What’s more, the dye started to run and our backs and armpits became permanently navy blue. I say permanently, but although no amount of showering would remove the colour, our sheets were stained blue/grey in the morning. Another reason for us to be personae non grata at the hotel!

Another scenario popular with the Japanese management was our alien tourists, the Coneheads. As Naturals fans will know, this involves wearing a full head latex mask and a heavy raincoat. Perfect for the Tokyo monsoon. Not! When I led the team I used to say that when a map of India appeared on my back (in perspiration) it was time to skedaddle back to the dressing room. In Tokyo the whispered cries of India! India! would come after about ten minutes.

Our Flowerpot characters, which will be gracing the queues in Shanghai, sport smart green washing-up gloves. In Japan I made little pin-pricks in the fingers to let the water out. Once while performing I was introduced to a dignitary from the British Embassy. She shook my hand enthusiastically, and sweat squirted out like a garden sprinkler causing her to recoil in horror! Not my best idea, I must admit.

BATH CHRONICLE